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Having a parent who is controlling can be a challenging and overwhelming experience. Controlling behaviors can manifest in various forms, such as excessive monitoring, dictating how to live one’s life, or attempting to manipulate or impose their own beliefs and values on their children. Dealing with a controlling parent requires understanding and implementing strategies that prioritize your own well-being and assert your independence. In this guide, we will explore effective ways to cope with a controlling parent and navigate this complex dynamic while maintaining a healthy relationship with them. By establishing boundaries, developing effective communication skills, and seeking support when needed, you can regain autonomy over your own life and build a healthier relationship with your controlling parent.
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 50,001 times.
Children often feel that they are “held down” by their parents and are not free to live as they please. Sometimes it’s because the child just wants to push boundaries and grow up faster than the parents realize, sometimes it’s because the parent is trying to control the child’s life. There are many reasons why parents want to be in control of their children, from perfectionism to worrying about their children repeating mistakes, and often parents don’t realize that they are harming their children instead of protecting them.
Steps
Harder
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- Separate you from other family members and/or friends, such as never allowing you to see friends or other family members.
- Constantly criticizing you about trivial things like your looks, manners, or choices.
- Threatening to harm you or themselves, such as “If you don’t come home now, I will die for you!”
- Show conditional love or approval, such as “I only love you if you keep your room clean.”
- “Writing” your mistakes, such as listing mistakes you made in the past that made you feel bad or let you down.
- Use guilt to get you to do something like, “Mommy struggled for 18 hours to give birth and now you can’t spend a few hours with me?”
- Silently spying on you or not respecting your privacy, such as searching your room or reading text messages on your phone when you leave the room.
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- You can reflect on your actions by looking in the mirror and talking to yourself. Set out different possible scenarios and practice reacting to your parents in the way you choose. This will make it easier for you to be in control when the situation actually unfolds.
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- Your forcing your parents to change is like your parents trying to control you. If you understand this well, you will accept that your parents can make their own decisions about this.
To improve the situation
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- If you still live at home (especially when you’re young) it won’t be easy for you to distance yourself from your parents. However, you can still establish boundaries between you and your parents. Seek advice from a school counselor or teacher.
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- Try saying something like, “I’m sorry for making you angry. I understand how frustrating this is for parents.”
- Remember that things may get worse before the situation improves. However, it is important that you maintain your distance and avoid getting caught up in threats. For example, if your mother threatened to commit suicide if you don’t come to her house, say you will call the police, then hang up and do just that. Don’t rush to your mother’s house or give in to her demands.
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- This method can be difficult for young people, but if you take small steps, it is not necessarily impossible. Even if you can’t afford the rent and amenities, try to earn money for your pastimes. It’s unlikely your parents will agree, but if you go to the movies with your own money, it also eliminates a tool that control parents can use.
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- Physical abuse, including actions such as slapping, punching, imprisoning, burns or injures you in various ways.
- Emotional abuse, including cursing, insults, blaming, and unreasonable demands.
- Sexual abuse, including inappropriate cuddling or touching, intercourse, and other sexual acts.
Heal the relationship
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- Don’t forget that you forgive not only for the sake of the other person but also for your own sense of relief. [9] XResearch Source Forgiving your parents also means that you are choosing to vent your resentment without saying that what they said or did to you was right. [10] XResearch Source
- To forgive someone, you will have to actively choose to let go of all your anger. One way to do this is to write a letter to your parents, which you will not send. In your letter, be honest about how you feel about what happened, why you are angry, and why you think your parents did it. [11] XResearch Sources Finally, end your letter with something like, “I’m not happy about what happened, but I’ll shake off the anger in my heart. I forgive my parents.” You can also say this out loud to yourself.
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- Instead of saying, “I’m taking away my human rights,” you can say something more constructive like, “I feel like I can’t make my own decisions.”
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- For example, do you consult your parents for important career decisions, such as which university to go to, or whether or not to accept a certain job offer. On the other hand, you probably won’t let your parents get involved in your personal decisions, such as who you date, marry, or not marry.
- You can also refuse to participate in issues raised by your parents, like romantic problems. However, perhaps you will decide to be there to help when your parents have serious health problems, such as cancer or heart disease.
Maintain boundaries
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- When a problem arises in your relationship with your parents, constructive words can be helpful. [14] XResearch Source Try saying “I respect your boundaries, but I feel like you don’t always respect mine. So, can we find a way to keep both sides together?”
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- Humor can also be an effective way to deal with controlling parents. [16] XResearch Source For example, if your parents are constantly nagging about your career decision, try jokingly, “Attention, attention: I’m not satisfied with my career. Understood. Anything else?”
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- You could try saying, “Mom and dad are important to me, but I think I need help to make the relationship between you and me better. Would you like to come with me to see a counselor?”
Advice
- Talk to a close friend or family member about your problems. Hope they can help you.
- Try talking to your parents before separating from them. The problem can be solved in a more pleasant way.
- Find a time when your parents are comfortable. Don’t try to approach when your parents come home from work. Try saying, “Dad, I know you work hard for me, and I’m grateful to you, but I want to be able to make my own decisions. I feel like a baby when my parents decide everything. Can you let me decide for myself?” You should also be prepared that either of you will disagree.
Warning
- If you are being abused and need urgent help, call your local child protection agency.
- Don’t assume every parent’s advice is “control.” Often parents want the best for their children, and they actually have more life experience than you.
This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 7 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 50,001 times.
Children often feel that they are “held down” by their parents and are not free to live as they please. Sometimes it’s because the child just wants to push boundaries and grow up faster than the parents realize, sometimes it’s because the parent is trying to control the child’s life. There are many reasons why parents want to be in control of their children, from perfectionism to worrying about their children repeating mistakes, and often parents don’t realize that they are harming their children instead of protecting them.
In conclusion, dealing with a controlling parent can be challenging and emotionally draining. However, it is essential to remember that you have the right to establish your own identity and make your own decisions. It is important to set boundaries and communicate openly with your parent about your needs and desires. Seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals can also be helpful in navigating this difficult situation. Emphasizing your independence, self-confidence, and assertiveness can gradually help to mitigate the effects of their controlling behavior. Remember, your happiness and well-being should always be a priority, and taking active steps to address and manage a controlling parent can ultimately lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.
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